I’m a pretty emotional person and as a general rule, my reflex is to rebel against the stoicism that men are told to embrace. I pride myself on the high level of empathy I exhibit, and think that this correlates with emotional intelligence as an invaluable resource. Finding ways to validate others, to make them feel seen and heard, is something I strive for in every arena. Still, it came as such a natural inclination, that I always assumed that would be enough. The people I’ve allowed in my life are easy to adore. Up until recently, despite the normal ups and downs, the relationships have failed to undergo true testing. But I suppose all good things must come to an end.
I always thought my disposition would make loving people easy. I’m quick to tap into the feelings of others, and try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I’m the type of person who gets cut off in traffic and immediately thinks, “Maybe their cat just died.” People act crazy at work and I have to wonder, “What’s their home life like? Is there trauma? Let’s unpack,” Most of us walk around with such an overwhelming amount of baggage that it makes total sense that sometimes we begin to fray at the ends. It’s not fair to assume that everyone has the ability to effectively process their emotions. I was raised in a household that encouraged introspection, relational awareness, and the healthy exploration of emotions. All of that to say; my loving people has been a reflex in many cases. But that’s faced opposition as of late.
Maybe I’ve been being played more in the last few months, or just need to be pushed by the universe, but it‘s almost as if my willingness to overextend myself is centerstage right now. It feels like some of my connections, particularly those with certain friends, aren’t quite what I thought they were. However, my instinct, in these trying times, wasn’t to bear the onus and take on blame like normal. If anything, I was upset because I didn’t think I’d expected too much, or set standards that were unattainable for the other person, but I was still disappointed. My hopes weren’t high, but I still came crashing down earth like some pigeon-winged Icarus. I considered being vindictive and retaliating in a way that mirrored the suffering I’d experienced, and then I realized that while that may be an impulse of mine, it’s not who I want to be.
Sometimes loving people is really difficult. People back out of plans and go back on their word; texts go unanswered and affections aren’t returned. There’s something in the current zeitgeist that celebrates being “petty” or “savage”, and that heartlessness is, in large part, a defense mechanism. Vulnerability is a form of exposure, and as animals, we like to shield ourselves from danger. So I need a heart that’s bigger than my body, bigger than me. I want to love in a way that allows me to falls on blades for people over and over again, even if that isn’t ever reciprocated.
If we’re to love, and I mean really love, shouldn’t that be unconditional? Is it love if you give up at the first roadblock? Is it love if it’s only on your terms? It won’t always be effortless, but having to fight for it doesn’t make it any less real or deserving. Loving with the entirety of your heart is the most holy thing you can do in this life, and that alone is worthy of labor.
