As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to visualize love in a very specific way. It’s an ocean. Black as onyx, turbulent and capricious, it’s a Herculean task to navigate. But, if you’re lucky, the sea glitters. My first lighthouse made me glow for five years. I met the second at a party and, despite all logic, experienced love at first sight. The third, and most recent, was the first to break my heart. These three towers have withstood the test of time, acting as the yardstick by which every other relationship is measured. Not in the sense that a new beau needs to love magical realism in literature like X and be an artist like X, or play music like X and have a personal aesthetic like X. The binding thread among them, and all that I expect from the next paramour, is the same feeling. My heart can stop in 1,000 different ways. You just have to find one.
Between these pillars are buoys. Adorned with bells and whistles, the lights illuminate the in-between paths. Those are the casual dates, the could’ve/would’ve, the missed connections. However, even with the flashes and glimmers that illuminate, there are still large spans of time when it feels like I’m just drifting in open water.
My parents were 24 and 25 when they got married. They decided to hold off on having kids for seven years, and then had three from the ages of 29 to 34. That sounds like my ideal life plan, yet as I creep closer and closer to 26, the possibility of things falling into place seem slim. Millennials are getting married later than previous generations, there’s no doubt about it. Everything from an unsure financial future to women’s choice and ability to have children at later ages has had a hand in the marriage milestone being less of a pressing task. That being said, I the pressure I feel to be in a romantic relationship is entirely internal. And because of that, for a long time, I had to quiet the voice in my head that encouraged me to be more desirable. I’ve reached a point where I know, and am proud of, everything I can offer. I’m smart, funny, kind, and super talented. I have diverse interests and strive to accomplish my goals. Heck, I’m not half-bad to look at either. Not the kind of hot that’ll make your teeth go numb, but I have a nice smile. (And, above all else, I’m incredibly humble!) All of this to say, I’m not gonna slap a filter on any part of my personhood so I’m more digestible to anyone.
Despite my griping, I want it all. I want the movie dates and trips to the library. I want the cooking sessions and introduction to each other’s families/friends. I want the brief glances that convey entire conversations. I want every single part. And I know I can have them. At my very core, I’m a romantic. Maybe it’s because I’m still young, but I’ve yet to experience any emotional fatigue. Each relationship has taught me something about how I love or want to be loved, imparted some lesson on what my near-perfect match might look like. I don’t like the idea of turning relationships into teachable moments, but everyone you allow into your heart is an experience. I’m still learning, but I do know what I’m willing to compromise over versus what’s nonnegotiable. And now, I realize I won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t light me ablaze.
Why are millennials putting off marriage? Let me count the ways.
Can a millennial date IRL? We put one to the test…
New dating trend proves millennials continue to fail at relationships
